The Pilot

It’s been quite awhile since I thought about him, but mentioning him in my post and the memories cam flooding back.  If I were a good person, the overwhelming feeling would be guilt.  Guilt that I’d betrayed by sweet Hubby, but it isn’t.  It’s regret.  Regret that we never actually had sex and that he’s no longer a part of my life.  If he’d been closer I think it would have happened, but the distance (a good 2hrs away) meant that planning was more difficult… and in that time he said he grew to care for me too much.

We met a few times, I remember our first lunch together, even more vividly I remember the phone sex before our first lunch together…  The last time we met was at his house, it was after he had said we should be just friends.  He was helping me with a project and it was easiest for me to just go over there.  I knew that I wanted him, but I was trying to respect his decision.  He had already told me that what he wanted was a real relationship with me and I couldn’t give him that so I didn’t want to hurt him.  He later said that if I had made the slightest move he would have jump at the chance… But I was trying to be good.

I thought that I cared for him deeply too, but maybe part of it was just appreciating someone still found me attractive and interesting.  And sexy.  That was a big one.  But more than all of that, was that he understood me, or at least a part of me.

He saw me not defined by my relationship with others, or by my career and educational choices, he just saw me as a person.  I’m not really sure what he saw, but I knew he liked it.  He confessed that he wanted more.  When he said that he couldn’t have something physical with me, I assumed everything was over, but he said he still wanted me in his life.  I said I couldn’t understand why and I’ll never forget his response:

“Maybe I like talking to you.  Maybe I like you.  Maybe I wish you weren’t fucking married.”

Coming from the most stoic man I’ve ever met, the intensity was overwhelming.  Things were always passionate with him – we debated politics, had heated discussions about so many aspects of life…  Whenever we were together the tension was palpable and if the sexting, emails, or phone sex was any indication sex would have been electric.

He knew so many of my fantasies, it was with him that I realised my interest in being submissive.  It’s something I’ve since explored a little (and discovered that I’m a bit switchy), but I think that submitting to him would have been beyond words.

Alas, it was not to be.

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