Conversation in the replies to my post on Honesty got me thinking… I’ve said that I’m in an open relationship, but I haven’t really discussed the boundaries of it, the rules that we’ve made. Or how I feel about it.
Hubby and I have been together for a long time, he’s always thought that he was more sexually open than I, and for quite sometime that was true. I was rather inhibited when we first got together and that was evident in our sex life. Not that I didn’t want to have sex, but I think that I wasn’t as enthusiastic about it as I could have been. There have also been times when I’ve had quite a low libido. However, now I find that the more sex I have the more sex I want to have, and sometimes with Hubby there just isn’t time, life gets in the way…
When I met the pilot I had a higher libido than Hubby, also our marriage was shitty and I was a bit of a bitch, so he wasn’t exactly dying to have sex with me… I’ve mentioned that I loved the attention. And I started to discover that I was a lot more sexual than I had been up to that point in my marriage.
Things have gotten better, and we’ve both slept with other people. Hubby has confessed that he’s got a bit of a ‘hotwife’ fetish. He really likes the idea that I like sex, he likes the idea of me having lots of sex with other people. Add into that he’s bisexual, and the idea of a mfm threesome is really appealing to him. Or really any other type of threesome. I know he’d like to watch me with someone else. So because it’s a fetish for him I get to get attention from other men. But I’m still not practicing ‘ethical non-monogamy’: I’ve slept with married men; and I still want control over Hubby’s sex life, at least to some degree; also I’m not honest with him about everything. With our situation Hubby is only allowed to sleep with other men, because I couldn’t handle the idea of him with another woman. I might be able to in a threesome, but I’m not sure. He feels no jealousy, but instead of feeling lucky that I have such an open-minded partner, I sometimes feel hurt by it – as if his lack of jealousy is an indication that he doesn’t really care about me. Or doesn’t care enough.
There are those who say that it doesn’t matter what other people think of our relationship, all that matters is that it works for us. But does it? Does it really work for me? Am I monogamous at heart, but just looking for excitement or a boost to my self-esteem? Am I being completely unfair? Am I really just a cheater?