I’ve alluded to the fact that I’m not completely comfortable with the arrangement that Hubby and I have. I think that I’m far more traditional than him in some ways, so there is a part of me that is troubled that it’s not a ‘normal’ marriage. I realise that’s a little absurd, but so are some of our conversations!
The perfect example of a bizarre conversation came this morning. Our son was at the table having breakfast and Hubby and I were in the kitchen (just far enough away so that we could have an adult conversation without worry about little ears). The mornings are generally rushed, but today things were a little bit more relaxed. I was getting coffee, and he was getting his lunch together. It was really the perfect domestic scene, right out of tv or the movies. He comes up behind me, hand on the small of my back, I think it’s for a kiss, but instead he whispers in my ear
“So, any plans to have a visitor sometime soon?”
Seriously?! There go my attempts to try not to think about my FWB (Perry). It’s almost embarrassing to have to admit to my husband that I’m having trouble getting fucked by someone other than him. He recently said that it was okay if I were to invite Perry over to our place (spare room only), since we were having trouble with that. Previously Perry had hosted, but only when his wife and kids were away, never during the day. I’m sure he thought that as soon as he gave the go ahead I’d have him over. I thought that would happen too. But it hasn’t. P has given no indication of when he might want to come over, but my hosting was HIS idea. In fact I really though that it was a sign that he was coming out of his funk…
Hubby knows that P has been hot and cold, but doesn’t know the extent. So this morning I explained that I had invited him and he seemed quite pleased, but we hadn’t gotten any further than that. I asked what I always seem to ask:
“What does that mean?”
“Stop being so needy. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything. You’re smart and perceptive, but sometimes you just make yourself crazy.”
I stood there and just looked at him, mouth slightly agape. This was not the reaction I expected. I don’t know what I expected, but not this. Argh!! I don’t think I’m being needy! Also, am I the only one who is disturbed by this conversation? That a casual morning involves getting relationship advice from my Hubby about my FWB and he’s not even on my side?! It’s all just completely upside down.
Hubby doesn’t realise the extent of my feeling for P. Which is good, because if he did he’d be upset/pissed/hurt, maybe even want to call the whole thing off. But as I write this I’m starting to think that maybe he knows me better than I know myself… Maybe my feeling for P are tied up more in his attention than whole he is… Maybe I’m just an attention whore.
Ironically, while Hubby and I were having this conversation P texted.