D from The Sinner Saint Diary posted several thoughtful questions in the comment section on one of my posts yesterday. They were mainly about the dynamics of my marriage, so I decided to write about that today. As I’m answering questions and not relating a specific event or my feelings, this post is somewhat disjointed, my apologies.
As for my age I’m in my late-thirties, although I’m told I don’t look it. Opening up our marriage hasn’t made me start working out more, but one of my resolutions this year is to look better naked. And that might contribute to why I don’t want to put up a personal ad, I’m not overly confident about my appearance, regardless of what other men say.
There are quite a few things that I do that I haven’t told my husband. He doesn’t know the extent of the emotional connection with P. He knows very little about Julian and doesn’t know about the other men that I’ve had some sort of online relationship with, thus doesn’t know about all the pics I’ve sent. He also doesn’t know about this blog; in some ways I’d like to tell him – I’d love his feedback on my writing and would like to share my excitement when I see that someone from far away has read what I’ve written, or that some stranger finds my posts interesting. However, I know that if I did tell him, I’d be self-conscious about what I wrote and would censor myself.
He does know whenever I hook up with someone (so anytime with P) and I’ve agreed to tell him anytime I have someone over while he’s at work. I’ve never gone into the detail of a sexual encounter with him, although I’m fairly certain he’d like that; in fact I know he like to see me with another man or at least a pic of me blowing another guy. We’ve talked about a threesome, either with another woman or man and he would be very interested either way. I’ve never asked him if he could handle watching, but not touching another man, my guess is that he’d be okay with it. Hubby is very easy-going, and doesn’t have as high a libido as he used to, so I think that he is quite sexually fulfilled within our marriage; however, he is still interested in being with other men. There have been two other men for him, both ONS and he said that he doesn’t think he’ll need to scratch that itch for a while. Part of the reason J is my unicorn is because I’d like to have a threesome with him and my husband and J would be very into it, he’s bi-curious. He and I have also talked about some sort of crazy situation which would involve both of our spouses, he loves the idea of getting to see me with his wife, getting to fuck me while my husband fucks his wife next to us, or some sort of messy tangle of all four of us. The hard part would be convincing his wife. And the distance. Always the distance. P has also said that if I wanted to he would try a threesome, but he’s not really into men, and for some reason the idea of the Hubby and P together is completely unappealing. Besides, P has enough trouble making time for me!
The reason I haven’t gone into detail about an encounter is my own comfort. I still feel weird about our situation in many ways, it is relatively new – I’ve slept with two men and had something online with five (but the only one that has continued is with J). I think that Hubby would like it if I did, but he’s careful not to push me. This arrangement in some ways feels like a fragile house of cards, not because of him, but because of me. I’m emotional, I’m insecure, I can be needy. He doesn’t want anything I do outside of our marriage to change our sex life or our emotional connection, but he wants me to be able to be free. This isn’t a desperate attempt on his part to keep me happy – sleeping with other men isn’t something that I need to be happy with him. If it were just the two of us I’d be okay with that. I’m confident that he’d be okay with that as well.
I never entertained the idea of an open marriage, before hubby suggested it. There was a man in my life who wanted me to visit him, and we both knew that he was interested in me as more than a friend. I mentioned it in passing to Hubby, who knows that I have a travel bug. A few days later he asked if I’d want to go and I said I would, not to have sex, but to see a new place, it was a rare opportunity, his response was that I should go. He said that he trusted me to be faithful. A couple days later he asked me about the sex, did I want to sleep with this friend, I answered honestly that it would be fun, but I had no trouble being faithful, but yet again he surprised me,
“You only live once” he said.
He explained that he didn’t want to hold me back from any experiences in life, that we weren’t getting any younger and that I shouldn’t limit myself. So that was where it all started. On that trip I was away for three days. We told my son that mummy was going to visit a friend. It was the longest I had ever been away from my son.
It was when I got home from that weekend that we talked more about what this change in our marriage would be like. Hubby confessed that he had a ‘hotwife’ fetish and was very turned on by the idea of me sleeping with other people. He also talked about him wanting have some experiences with other men. I knew that he had had a couple before we got together, but he had never mentioned wanting that again. A lot of our conversations have happened in the car, my family is about five hours away, and we generally do the drive at my son’s bedtime so that he sleeps most of the way. In the dark car, not having to look one another in the eye, my son deep asleep (thus certain he won’t interrupt our conversation) it’s been easy to open up about what we want, and how we feel. It was during one such drive that he finally understood that I wouldn’t be able to handle him being with another women. I was near tears just thinking about it, but instead of arguing that it wasn’t fair, he said he wouldn’t want to feel that hurt, that I had no reason to be insecure because no one could match me, but that he was also fine with not being with other women. It’s not fair, but it is what works for us. Maybe it’s something I’ll get over. Or maybe we’ll go back to being monogamous. As with many things, I’m not really sure.