I’m sure it will come as no surprise that I won’t be having a visitor today. P texted me yesterday to cancel. The reason? Guilt.
I don’t know what more there is to say. The conversation ended quickly, nothing was made clear to me, just that he didn’t think we were over. He seems to think he’ll just get over feeling guilty and then he can start-up with me again. I didn’t know what to say to that. I still don’t.
I’m not sure if I believe him.
He goes through these dark phases, a key indicator is that he starts drinking. He was drinking on Tuesday night and texted me, when I mentioned his work thing the next day he just stopped texting. I’m sure he didn’t stop drinking, and he was already drunk. He doesn’t get messy, but he is self-destructive. Another thing is that he stops leaving the house unless necessary (he can work from home most days), and that includes canceling plans with me. He knows I’d be pissed if he cancelled, but saying he’s feeling guilty I can’t get upset about. Saying we aren’t done means that he can say he has gotten past the guilt when he comes out of this low. But that’s all supposition on my part.
I don’t know.
I need to get over him.
I need to replace him.
Or maybe just forget this whole arrangement. Maybe I’m not cut out for it.