Never Enough

I have this funny feeling, I don’t know what it means.  Relief mixed with disappointment.  There’s some sadness there too.  But maybe I’m a little bit hopeful, and that leads to guilt.  Basically, I’m an emotional mess.

A drunken P texted me.  From his favourite haunt, on the night I was supposed to go out with SG.  Had I gone I would have seen him there and that would have been beyond awkward.

P texted to say that he missed me.  Of course, deep down that was what I wanted, for him to feel my absence.  But he followed that up by saying he still feels guilty.  Specifically, that he can’t deal with the guilt of fucking me.  He said he’s quite unhappy about that.  But we decided we’d like to try to be friends.  At least I know he cares about me, but I want more.   It’s as if I need him to bare his soul and tell me how much he cares, that I’m somehow different from all the other women he’s fucked (which is a lot).  I want to know this is painful for him somehow.  At least difficult.  It’s not enough for him to just say he misses me.  I want something more.

I think he was of two minds when he texted.  He wanted me to go out and meet him and he let me know that his wife and kids were away for the weekend… I’m not sure what he thought would happen.  I feel like we would have had sex and he would have regretted it, but not been able to actually say that to me.  I don’t want to be something he regrets.  So I said no.  I stayed home.

But, it’s as if that text flipped a switch, because ever since he’s all that I can think of – I remember what it was like to be with him, his hands against my skin, his beard softly tickling the inside of my thighs… It’s like a movie on repeat in my head and I can’t get it to stop.

We talked the next day when he was sober and he still insists that he wants to be friends, but it didn’t take long before sex came up.  He started it, but I’m pretty sure the guilt kicked in and he stopped texting.  Conversations often end abruptly with him.

He mentioned when drunk and when sober that he hopes that things change, that the guilt goes away.  Honestly, I’m ashamed to admit that’s what I feel a little bit hopeful about; that he gets over this and we can go back to the way things were.  But that is abhorrent.  He is someone else’s husband.  And if I really want to be a friend to him I should be encouraging him to be a better person.

I’m not sure if we can be friends.  I still feel awkward.  I texted him today and now regret it because he didn’t immediately respond.  I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him.

I need a distraction, normally I would get in touch with J, but I haven’t heard from him since phone sex last week and I’d rather he get in touch with me first.  Maybe that’s because I’m afraid he’s bored of me, but maybe not.  It’s not enough for him to respond enthusiastically, I want to know he’s thinking about me.

Basically, I’m having a day where I need more attention.   It sounds terrible, but that’s what I want.  Some sort of validation.  Some sort of distraction from real life.  And I hate what that says about me.

It’s funny, when I was younger I thought that needing to feel wanted would be fulfilled by being married.  I guess I was wrong.  It’s not enough.

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18 thoughts on “Never Enough

  1. I hear you and I understand. I NEED to know I’m being thought about. Is that enough? Some days it is. Other days I NEED to know he’s thinking of me, what he’s thinking, where he’s thinking it, and if he is fighting the urge to drop everything and come to me. I have no right to feel this way. Why do I? We both belong to others, yet I need him. What makes it worse is that part of my rules, is I can’t contact first. So I have to wait. Some days my mind screams FUCK THAT. But I wait. The consequences would suck far worse. I thrive on the attention. I hate this about myself.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m envious of what you have. Of course it has its ups and downs, but the idea of having rules seems comforting to me somehow. Who knows how I would actually respond to it, could just be a case of the grass is always greener. But still, it sounds nice.
      It is a need isn’t it, something deep inside… as if I need proof that I’m important to him.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Today is one of those days that I would have liked a little more interaction, but he told me last week, this week would be very busy. I was a little surprised I got a quick text today. I tried to get him stirred up by asking, “what can I do to make your day and the rest of your week perfect?” All I got back was, “I’m good so far”. Ok. Not what I wanted to hear, it’s what I got. Fortunately I’m not feeling needy. But that could all change tomorrow. Sometimes I’m such a girl, I piss myself off. Ha!

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Sometimes I don’t. Those times I’m just a bitch. I’m quiet and too myself. Which is the extreme opposite from how I normally am. I’m lucky to have the opportunity to chat it up with a few different people, Sir encourages it actually. Days I need the attention, I’ll text a friend. Normally the words soothe my ego.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I wonder if it will always be this way… I think it’s something inside of me. Maybe something that I need to change. The idea that I need better self-confidence just seems so trite, it goes beyond that… I’m just not sure how to deal with it.

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      1. I think you need to appreciate your inner-self, your worth. I think that anybody who would be given a chance to be loved by a woman like you is more than an accomplishment, you just needed someone to see that.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. We’re actually on the same page. I believe that if we don’t trust ourselves, or appreciate our own worth, then we feel insecure, we feel that we are not good enough, it sucks but it happens to me a lot.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Sister I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I suck. I know I do, I love my husband. He is a terrific man, to not just me, but to everyone. But gosh dang, I need to have my ass slapped with power, my hair pulled in passion, and I need someone who wants to slam me up against the wall and fuck the shit out of me before he takes his next breath. The hubs isn’t that guy.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Yes, I think that I am. What I like is that being open isn’t what defines our relationship, it’s really a very small part of ‘us’. While there are times when I feel insecure, I’m always able to remind myself my Hubby loves, cares for, and desires me. He shows me that daily. Being open isn’t essential to our relationship.

        Liked by 1 person

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