Never Enough

I have this funny feeling, I don’t know what it means.  Relief mixed with disappointment.  There’s some sadness there too.  But maybe I’m a little bit hopeful, and that leads to guilt.  Basically, I’m an emotional mess.

A drunken P texted me.  From his favourite haunt, on the night I was supposed to go out with SG.  Had I gone I would have seen him there and that would have been beyond awkward.

P texted to say that he missed me.  Of course, deep down that was what I wanted, for him to feel my absence.  But he followed that up by saying he still feels guilty.  Specifically, that he can’t deal with the guilt of fucking me.  He said he’s quite unhappy about that.  But we decided we’d like to try to be friends.  At least I know he cares about me, but I want more.   It’s as if I need him to bare his soul and tell me how much he cares, that I’m somehow different from all the other women he’s fucked (which is a lot).  I want to know this is painful for him somehow.  At least difficult.  It’s not enough for him to just say he misses me.  I want something more.

I think he was of two minds when he texted.  He wanted me to go out and meet him and he let me know that his wife and kids were away for the weekend… I’m not sure what he thought would happen.  I feel like we would have had sex and he would have regretted it, but not been able to actually say that to me.  I don’t want to be something he regrets.  So I said no.  I stayed home.

But, it’s as if that text flipped a switch, because ever since he’s all that I can think of – I remember what it was like to be with him, his hands against my skin, his beard softly tickling the inside of my thighs… It’s like a movie on repeat in my head and I can’t get it to stop.

We talked the next day when he was sober and he still insists that he wants to be friends, but it didn’t take long before sex came up.  He started it, but I’m pretty sure the guilt kicked in and he stopped texting.  Conversations often end abruptly with him.

He mentioned when drunk and when sober that he hopes that things change, that the guilt goes away.  Honestly, I’m ashamed to admit that’s what I feel a little bit hopeful about; that he gets over this and we can go back to the way things were.  But that is abhorrent.  He is someone else’s husband.  And if I really want to be a friend to him I should be encouraging him to be a better person.

I’m not sure if we can be friends.  I still feel awkward.  I texted him today and now regret it because he didn’t immediately respond.  I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him.

I need a distraction, normally I would get in touch with J, but I haven’t heard from him since phone sex last week and I’d rather he get in touch with me first.  Maybe that’s because I’m afraid he’s bored of me, but maybe not.  It’s not enough for him to respond enthusiastically, I want to know he’s thinking about me.

Basically, I’m having a day where I need more attention.   It sounds terrible, but that’s what I want.  Some sort of validation.  Some sort of distraction from real life.  And I hate what that says about me.

It’s funny, when I was younger I thought that needing to feel wanted would be fulfilled by being married.  I guess I was wrong.  It’s not enough.