It’s been a week since I posted and it’s been pretty quiet. I finally heard from J again, and right now I’m feeling somewhat unsure about things…
J and I have an honesty agreement, we always tell one another the truth. He would be easy to lie to as he is so far away, but I find it’s really nice that I have someone like that in my life. Also, I quite like that he can be so trusting and open with me, the fact that it doesn’t feel like real life makes it that much easier. Of course, there are many things that he doesn’t know about my life, I’m free to omit things, but I won’t lie to him. I’m sure many think I’m crazy for trusting him – after all, isn’t it stupid to believe a man who lies to his wife? Perhaps, but I choose to anyway. Thus far he hasn’t proven me wrong.
When we talked he explained why things have been so crazy, I know about a few things going on in his life, so it wasn’t hard to believe. But as we were talking he had a confession, he said he thought about ending things with us – he’s been feeling guilty.
He once told me that he’s a serial cheater, that there’s always someone else, so I assumed that was still the case. But it turns out there isn’t. There aren’t even any other online flirtations, just me. And right now he’s too busy to spend anytime with friends either. The fact that he’s shut out everything else in life other than me is what has him feeling guilty. But he said that the moment we started talking again, he realised he didn’t want to stop. It was awkward, especially given where we were in the conversation. I actually admitted that I’d missed him, something that I had been hesitant to say… so I felt pretty foolish. He reassured me that he really didn’t want us to stop chatting. We both admitted that it was more than just about sex and getting off, we genuinely like one another. I then had to go, but left feeling good about things. Since, other than one message, it’s been radio silence on his part. He didn’t read my last message, but that just means he hasn’t checked. I know things are likely still crazy for him, and I also know that could have gotten worse. But still, I just have a bad feeling about it. I could send him a message and ask what’s going on, but I’d rather wait. I’ll likely tell him what I was thinking, but if it is just that he’s busy again, I don’t want to add to that.
Even after our tiff, P and I are still ‘friends’, although it likely is making it difficult to get over him. He texted to say Happy Valentine’s Day and later in the conversation he mentioned that he could just be going though a phase, and reiterated that he wants me in his life. Is there something about me that makes cheaters feel guilty? I know that sometimes people use it as an excuse to make it easier to end things, but in the case of J and P I sincerely don’t think that is the case. Both, by their own admission, are serial cheaters. Or at least they were.
There was one other man who ended things because of guilt a while ago. I was a little relieved because he was getting too intense. He said that all he wanted was a little fun, but was thinking about me all the time. I noticed that as well, he would message me constantly and want to be in touch all day, it was too much. He realised that, but rather than dialing it back, he ended things completely and said that he was done with cheating. The amount he was thinking about me made him feel too guilty and he couldn’t handle it.
I’m still chatting with the two guys I started talking to last week. The strong silent one I’ll call W, because he always tells me about the weather, which I find really funny. It’s mainly because it affects his work, but it’s still odd that he mentions it in almost every email:
“Quick meeting tomorrow then home tomorrow night. It is cold and windy today”
I’ve teased him a little about his short emails, but they are so frequent it is obvious that he is making an effort. He’s talked about wanting to meet soon to we’ll see if that happens and how it goes. He’s handsome, and I get the sense he would be really good in bed, I’m not sure why.
The other guy, R is considerably younger than me and so far, seems like he could be fun, but we haven’t been able to plan a meet. Things have been busy on my end with family stuff and visitors. He’s the one I think has more potential though. I must admit I like the idea of hooking up with someone ten years younger. It’s good for my ego 😉