My Own Worst Enemy

The truth is that P treats me like shit.  I became painfully aware of that this morning.  We were talking a lot yesterday, it seemed like being friends was going to work, that we were both on the same page.  Then last night after a couple of drinks he showed how he knows that I’ll always be there, even when he can admit that all he does is take.   He did something that he thought was funny (he messaged one of my friends on fb) that upset me that I found out about this morning.  I was pissed and texted him to say as much.  Even if he was drinking that’s no excuse to fuck with my life.

I expected to hear from him this morning because there was something he promised he would follow through on. I imagined that after seeing I was annoyed he would be somewhat sheepish, but radio silence on his part.  He broke a promise to me.  He’s given me no reason to trust him anymore.

I keep assuming that I know what he’s feeling, that he’s not in a good place and he’s beating himself up right now for fucking up, but can’t admit that to me.  But maybe that’s not the case, maybe he’s just a callous asshole.  Maybe he thinks it’s funny that he has me wrapped around his finger, always giving, always forgiving.  Maybe the problem in this relationship is that I’m a sucker.

Yet even now I keep hoping that he’ll text and prove me wrong.

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6 thoughts on “My Own Worst Enemy

  1. Oh SilverStar… I hear you.

    I think we assume we know what they’re doing, how they’re feeling, because it’s easier than admitting they could possibly be aware they’re hurting us and just don’t care.

    Waiting for that text is awful. Hoping that it’ll arrive and prove you wrong about him treating you badly… and then the irony is that even if it never comes, you’ll still find a way to excuse his behaviour anyway, I’ve been there so many times.

    Liked by 2 people

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