What’s left?

J and I had another ‘serious’ conversation last night.  I hadn’t heard from him in a while,  I decided to wait until he contacted me and I’m glad he did.  He’s concerned about the amount of time he has right now (a big life event happened last week which will take much of his attention and work is still crazy).  He is worried that it is a lot of risk for not a lot of payout and he’s still feeling guilty, which is very new for him.  In the end the decision is largely his, I’m quite happy with the way things are and not risking anything, while he is and wishes that we could have more.  I’ll be disappointed to not have him in my life anymore, but I guess it had to end at some point, right?  I just wish it wasn’t now.  I feel quite sad about it.

J was more than just sexting and phone sex, he was actually a friend.  While his role in my life was small, it is only when faced with losing it that I realise how much it meant – he was more than an ego boost, he was a break from the reality of life, my own little escape.

In some ways I’m like a child, when I can’t have something it’s all that I want.

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I’m supposed to be seeing R tonight (he’s the one who’s younger than me).  He’s wanted to meet a couple times over the last week, but I haven’t been able to because we’ve had guests.  But tonight we’re both free, so I’m going over to his place.  We’ve been talking so often I feel like it’s been much longer than it has.  I think that things could go either way, that we’ll feel a connection and I’ll want to continue with him, or that it will all be too physical with nothing supporting that, in which case I’ll get bored.  He’s already said that what he is looking for is just the physical, and I’ve explained that sex for me requires some degree of connection.  There are times when I feel that with him and other times when I feel like he just sees me as a body, not a person. At the same time, I don’t want anything complicated, so as long as that isn’t the overwhelming feeling it isn’t really a problem for me.

I find it difficult to explain what I want, but I’m sure that I’ll be able to tell pretty quickly tonight if it feels right.  I keep hoping that I’ll find somebody I click with the way I do did with P, but that was far from ideal in many other ways.

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After disappointing me (again) P did eventually text.  He had a foolproof excuse, he had been asleep after a bender the night before.  When he wasn’t apologetic I became rather cross and he apologised, but also explained that there were a number of things he was upset about.  Somehow he managed to make me feel bad for him.  I have such a soft blindspot when it comes to that man…

The work of having guests was actually good for me, things were so busy that I didn’t have time to think about him, let alone talk to him.  He got in touch after a few days and I explained things were just too busy to chat.   But now everyone’s gone and I find myself thinking of him again.  Still wondering if he’ll ever go back to the man he was in the beginning…

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W and I keep messaging, no clue if anything will come of it, but in some ways he seems so sweet, I’m hoping that it does.  His straightforwardness would be a refreshing change.

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I look at what I’ve written and realise that it is simply a catalogue of the men in my life (except for Hubby).  I know this blog wasn’t meant too be about all aspects of my life, just a sort of diary about navigating an open relationship and the people along the way, but when did I stop asking questions?  When did I stop examining my life and it just became so banal?  It is almost as if this was supposed to be an escape from life, but somewhere along the way it just became another part of life.  And I have no clue if any of it makes me happy.  J seemed to be the last vestige of that excitement, with his imminent exit from my life what am I left with?

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