It’s been two weeks since I got that fateful message from J. I haven’t felt like writing, mostly because I’m not sure what to say… Time to think has made me realise that while it ending was hurtful, the worst part was that we didn’t have a conversation about it, he just left; granted he didn’t disappear, but I still never got to say goodbye. Also, his last message was quite matter of fact, I want to know if he’ll miss me, if he still thinks about me, if I meant more than the numerous other women who have been in his life, if I meant anything at all. I know there are other messages that would suggest all of that is true, but the last one is the one I’ll remember. However, none of this is within my power to change. He deleted his account on the app we used to chat on. I’m not sure if I’m deluding myself, but I think that may be not because he’s worried about me contacting him, but because he’s worried he won’t stay away. I still have his phone number, but I won’t use it. There is one other way that I can contact him, and I’ve decided that if I’m still thinking about him in a year (or maybe six months) I’ll reach out and say hello. It’s funny, as soon as I decided that I felt more peaceful. My time for moping is over. But, of course, that doesn’t mean it stops hurting, just that I can’t wallow anymore.
My weatherman came back and was adoring and attentive and very interested. Then he disappeared again. And yet again he came back – do I sense a pattern? I decided to give him another chance, but with the caveat that disappearances can’t be a part of our thing. The reason I gave him another chance is two-fold: one, I’m starting to feel like there is real potential there, that we could have a lot of fun together and that’s what I want someone to just have fun with, not to fall in love with; two, I
need want that distraction so that I’m not so aware of the absence of J…
I’ve also thought distracting myself with someone else online, but the truth is, I haven’t found someone I connect with, who gets me the way he does, and it’s just not so fun. Something long-distance was never what I wanted, it just sort of happened. I was drawn to J because he’s smart, he writes well, and really just drew me in with his personality. The fact that our kinks aligned was just a bonus.
Because none of my distractions seemed to be working, I decided to start playing with a Dom online. I’m not sure if I am just being overly optimistic about him because of the amount of time and interest he seems to have for me (again, I’m an attention whore, esp. as I’m missing J) or if there actually is a connection there. I’m not even sure if this is what I want…