The Sullied Page

I’m struggling with writing.  Sitting in front of my laptop, this used to be my means of procrastination, but now I’m procrastinating writing here.  There so many reasons for that, but the main one is my fear that I’ve become boring… I know everyone say to write for yourself, but here’s the problem: I bore myself.

This isn’t new. I’ve been boring myself for years.

On my shelves, below the books, are journals.  Beautiful covers, acid free paper, one bought for myself, but mostly gifts.  Gifts because everyone thinks I’m the type to write.  Bought myself because I want to be the type to write.  But all of them are mostly empty.  Some started, but none finished.  And what is written isn’t profound or even interesting.

The problem isn’t simply writers block.  It is that I hate my own writing, I see a page sullied by the pen I wield.  Or at least that’s what it starts with.  But there is always something, one thing that makes it unbearable for me.  I don’t know how to turn off the voice in the back of my head.  You know that annoying voice that has an opinion on everything I do and it’s always a negative one.  I know we all have one, mine just seems particularly verbose of late.

Here I’m struggling to find my voice in terms of how I write, but also in terms of what I write about.  Updates about the men in my life may all be well and good, but I wanted to figure things out.  This space was meant to be mine, to completely homiest with myself and document how I’m feeling about my marriage and my life. I think it’s harder because I’m not getting into other parts of my life, which still have an impact on how I see myself and ultimately what I’m looking for…

Perhaps it is sufficient to say that career-wise I’m flailing.  I am not living up to anyone’s expectations of me and my confidence is shot.  Everyone would have guessed that I’d be successful and have an exciting career, but not only am I not working in my field, I’m currently not working at all.  And it’s killing me. I could go into more detail, but for the sake of anonymity I won’t.

But I will keep writing. Writing in the hopes that eventually I find my voice. That I figure things out. Or at least get a little closer.

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8 thoughts on “The Sullied Page

    1. Thank you Michael. It’s nice to know that other people don’t find my ramblings boring! Maybe that’s the nice thing about blogging rather than writing in a personal journal, while much of the content may be the same, I’m more inspired to write when I know that other people are reading.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I totally get that. It makes you think things through a little better when you have to write it out and there is value in that. Plus, the comments and interaction add to the experience as we learn from one another.

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  1. I think I know how you feel, because I felt the same. I had started journals and dozens of blogs only to have them be abandoned after a post or two. Really, until I started Confessions of an Adulterer, I had never been consistent with writing at all. For some reason, I found I could write about adultery, and it helped me write about other things in my life too. They say that it takes 100 posts on a blog just to find your voice. I don’t know about that, but it did take time. I think it was a struggle for me until I hit around 40 posts, then things started to get easier. Making writing a habit is probably the best thing you can do. And don’t worry if your writing is any good or not, I always thought mine was awful but then people would tell me it was good. I think people reading your blog just want to share in your life and experiences and aren’t as concerned if it isn’t presented perfectly. So, just my two cents. Good luck finding that voice!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve heard that about 100 posts before – I think I’ll make that my goal, however long it takes I’ll write 100 posts before I let myself quit. Now I really wish I had chosen a better name than “silver star”! lol I put no thought into that at all!
      I’ve always really liked your writing, so you can ad me to the list of people who think it’s good. And I notice when you haven’t been blogging in awhile.
      It’s strange, I can completely understand reading a blog and being interested in a stranger’s life and opinions, but find it difficult to see someone wanting the same from me. I imagine it is the same for most of us.
      Thank you for your encouragement, Jason. It means a lot!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for the kind words! Yeah, it is strange, I’m always like ‘who wants to hear this drivel’, but I think we just always think that about our own stuff. Keep at it, you’ll get there!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think one of my favourite things is looking at the stats and seeing someone in Brazil or Pakistan (two examples from today) has read something I’ve written. I’d love to know what they think of my life…

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  2. Just write . That’s what I do. It’s never going to be a career. Just something I like to do. No stress . Just write anything doesn’t have to be anything much. The thing is just write. 😊

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