The Affair

I’ve told very few people about the situation with my marriage, it’s not something we share.  But the first question I always get when I do is how it came about.  The truth is, it all started with an emotional affair that Hubby knows nothing about.

I met him online.  We flirted, he was charming, he was single, he paid me lots and lots of attention…  At the time my marriage was crap.  I was unhappy, I was bitchy.  He was unhappy, grumpy and unsupportive about what I was going through.  Sex was non-existent.  And then there was the Pilot.  He was in the Air Force, and had an amazing body.  Lean muscle, incredibly strong without being bulky, and tall.  He had washboard abs, arms that made me melt, and he was smart, very smart.  He was the type of man I never thought would be interested in me, but he was.  Sexting, dirty emails, and phone sex – all incredible.  I’ve never known a man who can write like that, to this day his words still make me wet.  But in the end he couldn’t go through with it.  He was worried about me cheating, worried I’d regret sleeping with him, worried he was taking advantage of my situation.  He was single, but he’d cheated before.  He wasn’t being moral, he said he just didn’t want me to hate him, he cared about me too much.  He wanted to be there for me as a friend.  That didn’t work out. I felt rejected, I felt angry, I felt sad.  And of course, my husband had to deal with my moods.

While on one hand I was being a terrible wife, in other ways I was trying to fix our marriage.  I know it sounds contradictory, but it’s true.  I tried to talk many, many time.  I cried myself to sleep.  I told him how I missed affection, how hurt I was by him.  I was worried he was depressed.  But I got nothing back.  I sincerely thought that we were at the end, I just didn’t know how to end it.  After holding it all in, I broke down and cried to my best friend.  I told her I hated him, but at the same time I realised I didn’t want to lose him I wanted my husband back.  The man I married, not this emotionless shell who seemed frustrated that he ever had to deal with me.  I decided I needed to fight for our marriage.

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One thought on “The Affair

  1. I hear you. Many will say that those of us that cheat are heartless, lazy individuals who never gave their marriage a chance. That we don’t really love our spouses, when many of us do and very dearly. Many of us chose cheating as a last resort after years of beating our heads against the wall. It was a gradual process getting there, pushing the envelope bit by bit thinking we could turn back at any time if it went too far, first the seed of the idea in our head, then emotional cheating, then the real thing.

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